What a constitutes a good parent? The answer is subjective. Often it's easier to describe inadequate parenting than define good parenting. According a study by Ellen Galinsky from the Work Family Institute, the way children feel about their parent's work commitments differs markedly to what parents' think is important.
Parents in the study thought 'time away' from their children was the most important work issue for children and that by giving children family holidays and big events it would help make up for this. In contrast, children said what they loved was the small everyday moments, occurrences, rituals and weekly traditions with their parents. In fact children were far less concerned about big family events.
The children in the study were concerned about their parent's mood. Children said the listened intently to their parent's voice, tone and manner when they come home from work. Children worry and get anxious when parents are stressed from work. They want their parents to be 'present', not hassled, stressed or unhappy. Children want to know their parents love them and that their parents find pleasure at work and still make time for them at home.
The author suggests guilt is a useful emotion to prompt us to look at situations and identify what is causing conflict. Ask yourself, are your expectations as a parent realistic? Do we need to raise them or lower them? Is there a change you could make and if so, what is it and when? Awareness and managing dissonance requires discernment. Remember to be realistic.
Overall the results of the study highlight the need for parents to listen and engage in meaningful conversations with children. Remember to ask children often what is really important to them!
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*Book: Ask the Children: The Breakthrough Study That Reveals How to Succeed at Work and Parenting, by Ellen Galinsky. Perennial Currents, 2000.
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